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Crying baby, Desperate Mother and Peaceful Heart

My son used to cry from 8 pm to 2 am every night. He did this for months. I watched every episode of life in the ER for about half a year and felt pretty confident by the end that I could remove a knife from your skull and do surgery to save your life. Ridiculous I know but that is what all of those months of watching does to a brain. My husband worked all day so I felt I should take care of everything regarding the children.

The only time I asked for help was at 2 am when I was desperate. I got it but always felt guilty. What is up with that. I was a good mom sometimes and a mediocre mom sometimes. I tried my best. I didn´t know what I didn´t know, I had my mom but my rebellious side said do it your own way.

What did I learn?

Today I am 49, I don´t want a baby, or I do but I am not going to make one just like I refused the puppy I was offered today because I am at a different place in my life. Don´t get me wrong. My body my choice, and mine would be a baby, if my daughter was in the same place hers would be no baby. Respect. 

I still inside feel like I need that closeness, the nursing the sweet baby hand touching my face, even the vomiting and me changing towels on the bed. 

In retrospect it was all good. All a memory and all something that I can keep in my heart forever. Don´t get me wrong, I want the hypnotherapist but I am a little afraid that the memories will overwhelm me and I will feel sad.

I told my ex husband I missed the kids when they were little the other day and he said watch the videos but they make me sad. 

Am I a bad mother? Or am I just a nostalgic mother that misses the babies. 

Comment if you have an opinion. Please no really bad ones. My heart is delicate. 

Love you all.

 

Drifa

 

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